Sometimes, the more you know, the more you don't.

It would help if my system hadn't crashed and took this post with it.

So we got the results back from the karyotyping on #3 the other day. 47XY+17. A little boy. And once more, anuploidy.

So the question is, how far do we take it?

Yeah, each child has been named by me. A part of me wants to know they weren't just some random collection of cells that is now "products of conception" to be disposed of. Emma Grace (universal grace), Abel Murphy (second son, and everything went wrong on that one, don't ask me why my brain said "he"), and Trey Noel (third, EDD on Christmas Day).

I just don't know how far this will go. We intend (I intend at least, which is the important part) to go through with having surgery done, and Joe will get another SA done, and hopefully that will reduce the fears and heartaches from both sides.

I need to find a therapist, because this is killing me.

I've been so angry with my father. I went back into emails to make sure, and realized that not once has he ever given me a simple "I'm sorry for your loss". Instead he just keeps telling me I should be happy and "pick daisies like when I was a child", and I honestly think it's more for his sake than mine. He says he wants me to be able to use him as a sounding post, but then he changes the topic. Every. Single. Time.

I'm going to Charlotte for their 50th anniversary this weekend. I honestly don't want to. I don't want to deal with people, period. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to be anywhere near them.

Honestly, I'm getting more and more annoyed/upset that Aunt Flo hasn't yet chosen to make herself known. The last two times, my system recouped on that front in very short order. The first time it was 26 days after D&C (no ovulation), the second was 30 days after natural miscarriage (with ovulation taking place on day 17, so that one made perfect sense, two weeks after O). This time, I'm on day 30, I don't have any real signs of AF, and no O.

I just want to be able to get this over and done with. And it sucks. I honestly want AF to show up by this weekend. The first time, I could feel the hormonal nightmare loosen up when AF showed up. Not so much the second, but still there. I just want AF to show up, and then maybe some of this feeling will abate. I don't want to chew my father a new one this weekend, and right now I'm feeling like that's exactly what's going to happen.

I want to see this be over with, I want to find out the numbers on Joe's SA, and then I want to see where we can go from there. If the numbers aren't good, then we're looking at IUI. If they are, then we can try ourselves, naturally. And honestly, if the numbers aren't good, I am wondering if we should either go the ICSI route or go donor. I don't want to have to go through this level of heartache again, it hurts too much.

*sigh*