Okay, so it's been months...

Yes, I should have been posting updates, but quite frankly I've been scared to.

My little one, I love you dearly and you're not even here. I get all those little wiggles and kicks and I can already tell you have long legs and a predilection for stretching them (especially into my ribs), and you have a habit of moving all around until your daddy puts a hand up to feel and then you stop (don't tell me you have stage fright!). You're a music critic (you thump when good music stops being played, and you REALLY thump when bad music is being played)! you've been head down for months, and are now starting to make things uncomfortable for mommy.

But I'll be honest with you, Wiggles, mommy's been scared. After losing your siblings, part of mommy has been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes a few months ago, which since it's insulin controlled, means that the placenta could give out earlier than planned. Right now it's a waiting game. I don't want you to come out too early, because your lungs might not be ready. I also don't want you to stay in too late, because if the placenta gives out early, I could lose you.

I'm scared. And because of that I haven't said much here.

I have taken almost weekly pictures of your development (or at least mine)... My belly has been getting slowly bigger and bigger, so your father and I at least have a picture diary of what's been going on. I should really go through my Ravelry posts and look and see just how much development you've gone through and what my thoughts and feelings were at the time, because I don't want you to have missed out on all of this just because I'm scared.

I will try not to be a helicopter mommy, but I want you to know that if I am, it is only because I care. I will fight to the death to keep you safe, but I know I need to remember that you are your own person and will need to be able to take your own steps and walk on your own.

You're only days away now. Your grandma is starting to call now to find out "how I'm doing", which translates to "where's my grandchild?" Friends are starting to ask me when you're going to be here. I've been really secretive as to who you are, and it's kind of fun to watch people desperately guess what you are (I keep telling them that information is currently classified, and they'll find out when you come out and I flip you over, but some people have no sense of humor. The ones who do get a kick out of it).

I can't wait to meet you, honey. Mommy has been waiting so long. I will miss feeling some of those kicks (and won't miss the foot to the ribs at 4am). I will miss feeling you move around and grabbing your feet from inside (geez you probably hate that by now). But I will be so happy to be able to see you and make sure you're okay.

I just want you to know that mommy loves you.