A somber anniversary

Two years ago today, I lost my daughter.

It seems so odd to say that, now that I have a daughter here, in my arms. Wiggles is my love and my life, but were it not for the loss of her sister, she wouldn't be here. She was my very first. I will always love her. I love her like the stars in the sky and the green grass in the meadow and the birds in the trees... But I will never be able to hold her in my arms, as I was never able to hold her to this earth.

It is ironic, really. Two years and two days ago I started bleeding, the start of the realization that I would lose my daughter. First it was the ale in Philiadelphia with the Kingsessing Morris Men, when I had the haziest signs of pink. Then as the bleeding got worse, I was dressed as a pregnant catholic schoolgirl that night at Keith and Judy's Halloween party. Who would have known that "coming out" of being pregnant would prove to be so fatal a night? And the next day, when Karen just sat and listened to me as I knew that I was losing my daughter. Thinking that the next night had been when I was supposed to be telling my parents that she even existed, and instead I spent that night freaked out. Instead I wound up getting elbowed in the gut by my mother at Outback because I was standing too close to her, and she will never realize just how much that hurt both inside and out, because I knew I was losing my baby. Two years ago today, I spent most of my day in the hospital, first getting scanned only to find out the baby was gone, and then getting a D&C to have her remains removed before she could cause any issues.

The real irony is that the same day two years later would be the day I started bleeding again, only this time it was the first period after having my daughter's younger sister.

I wouldn't give up Wiggles for anything... But if her sister hadn't died, she wouldn't be here. If her brothers hadn't died, she wouldn't be here. She is only here because her sibling's aren't. It's very hard to reconcile that knowledge sometimes. She has her siblings' deaths to thank for her life.

Two years ago today my life changed permanently. I am no longer quite the person I was back then. I guess I've withdrawn a lot in the last couple of years. I don't talk to many people anymore. I spent a lot of time on HAPL, just commiserating.

I look at my daughter now, and a part of me still waits for the other shoe to drop. Losing her sister was completely unexpected, losing her brothers less so. It's not like I expect to lose Wiggles, but a part of me keeps shielding myself from going in too deep, and I need to stop that. I love my daughter, but a part of me is reserved in the knowledge that if I let myself go, I risk being hurt again. I don't want to be that way. I want that innocence back, the ability to love wholeheartedly without fearing my heart will be shattered again.

Tonight was one of those serious nights. It wasn't a night for Dr. Seuss or Susan Boynton. It was a night for I Love You, Little One and Guess How Much I Love You? I do love you, my little one. Please understand in the years to come that when mommy gets that look in her eyes and sighs, it's not because she doesn't love you, it's because she misses your siblings. They gave you the gift of life, but that doesn't mean she doesn't miss what might have been terribly. Your daddy is an incredible man, he has dealt with mommy's sadness and depression with a great deal of grace and understanding... He has been the one standing strong. He misses your siblings too, but to an extent he is a great deal stronger than mommy.

Mommy stopped writing here a while ago. Mommy needs to pick up the writing again, but perhaps it's time to end this chapter and start fresh. Cydneybean was before you were here. Cydneybean was for all the little ones who didn't make it here, and it doesn't quite mean you anymore, as you are now here and it is good.

I miss your sister and brothers, and I always will. There will always be that "might have been" feeling. Your sister was lost to me on November 9, your brothers on February 18 and May 18. Your sister would have been due on May 29, your brothers on October 7 and on Christmas Day. I will not forget those days.

But mommy has to live in the here and now. You are here and I wouldn't give you up for anything, not even your siblings. Mommy is a different person than she used to be, but mommy has her Wiggles now. I love you, whole and entire.

Goodnight, Emma Grace. Goodnight, Abel Murphy, Trey Noel. Mommy loves you. Please keep an eye on your sister all of the days of her life. She owes her life to you.

Goodnight, my angels. Your mommy will always love you.