Merry Christmas.

I can't stop crying. I've been awake since 4:30 this morning, and I just can't stop crying.

Part of it is because my parents were here earlier this week and just successfully managed to dredge up a lot of emotions. From my father *forgetting* that I'd miscarried to my mother saying that it didn't matter at all that she hadn't gotten anything for her new granddaughter for Christmas because my brother wasn't going to be spending Christmas at her house (probably because last year was such a cluster of my mother being insensitive and overbearing), and therefore Joe and I were going to be "stranded" with them on Christmas day, both of them have really just been hitting me this week. Mom still doesn't know about the miscarriage, and I keep going back and forth between still not wanting to tell her and wanting to hurl it in her face.

My brain won't stop singing "Hallelujah", the Leonard Cohen version.

I don't look forward to Christmas this year. Between not wanting to deal with my parents and the realization that I should have been carrying my baby girl at this point, I just haven't really wanted to be there for it. It didn't help that in my dad's annual christmas letter this year, he said how his new granddaughter (my niece) was the crowning achievement of their summer. Crowning achievement. He sent this letter less than a month after my miscarriage. Nothing slaps you in the face like the realization that you just failed at what actually made your father happiest.

I just want the holidays to be done with. I want the whole year to start fresh. In a matter of weeks I went from what was one of the best years ever to one of the worst. About the only good thing to come out of all of this has been Joe's own reactions to many things. He's been stopping himself, realizing that his normal reactions to things are causing my own reactions to go off the scale. He's been more attentive, and he's been trying to make me feel better. Out of anyone, he's been trying to make my life better right now, and lord, I thank him for that.

Last week was the first time we tried again since we lost the baby. Tried four times within the window, actually. ;) Hopefully it did something, and maybe it's the reason I've been crying like someone forgot to shut off the faucet, but it would make a good anniversary present to know that we were successful. But I can't help but feel like I'm replacing the daughter I had, while at the same time being happy about possibly being pregnant again. The conflicting emotions running through my brain are kind of overwhelming.

I don't know how I'm going to survive this weekend.

"Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah "