I'm a bad mother.

*sigh*

To say that depression set in is an understatement. Between the loss of the pregnancy, the loss of two other friends, the fact that Aunt Flo is still not "right" (she showed up two days early and was NOT a normal one, meaning that the likelihood of getting pregnant again any time soon is small), and the fact that I've been sick so many times in the last two months I've been to the doctor about ten times, I've just gotten to the point where I'm exhausted, listless, and not likely to go out and do anything, and even less likely to do anything at home.

Unfortunately, this has resulted in neglecting my bunnies to the point where I may have killed them.

Bunnies have a very sensitive system. When a bunny doesn't have food in its system, the digestive system shuts down. I think this may be a throwback to bunnies as prey animals, and considering how fast they proliferate, starvation may happen rapidly among a high population, so those who haven't gotten food recently die off faster so that the stronger survive. This is the reason you can't starve a rabbit for 8 hours prior to surgery like you do other animals, because if you did their system would shut down. Of course, they can't throw up anyways, so the reason for starving them before anesthesia is a moot point anyways. However, this also means that if you miss one day of feeding them, it can lead to their death.

All week, I kept telling myself I was going to take care of the bunnies "in the morning"... And then kept forgetting to before heading to work. I've been prone to forgetting a lot of stuff lately, honestly. But while it's a reason, it's not an excuse. I had put a lot of food in their bin feeders before I left on holiday, but that only lasts for so long. Even at my worst in the last few months, I've caught it before it gets too bad.

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 6am and panicked. I normally don't wake up that early by any stretch of the imagination, but my brain suddenly screamed at me that they hadn't been fed in far too long. I ran into Sarah's room, and she still had a *little* food left, but since she's such a picky eater normally, that doesn't mean she was eating any of it. She still had some water left in one of her bottles. But she really didn't have much interest in eating when I refilled the bin, and although she ate the papaya tablet, she wouldn't touch the broccoli or the craisins. I went from her room to Beemer's, and he had *nothing* left. I filled his bin, filled his water bottles, but he only showed a passing interest in either, and wasn't going after my fingers for papaya tablets like he usually does. I decided right there I was calling the vet, woke up Joe, and called the vet to get them both in. The doc didn't have an opening until 9:30, but when I told her I thought both had gut stasis, she called the doc and he said he'd be in early. So we bundled up both of them (in separate cars) and ran out to Leesburg with them. Sarah's guts hadn't stopped yet, but they were sluggish, and she was down a pound from two years ago (however, since it *had* been two years, the doctor wasn't that concerned, at her ripe old age of almost 13, she'd be expected to lose a bit of weight). He took her back, gave her a shot of metroclomide to get her moving, and cleaned the mats from her eyes while he was at it. Beemer was in worse shape though, a bit dehydrated and he'd stopped altogether. They gave him IV fluids, and a shot of metroclomide. Since Sarah's been through the gut stasis thing before, he didn't really give me much on the instructions, but gave me two syringes to feed each one of them with, a syringe of Reglan as a probiotic, and sent me home with them. I put food and papaya tabs through a coffee grinder (not used since the last time this happened), but I only got them to eat a little bit through the syringes. Thing is, last time this happened to Sarah, she wouldn't eat the stuff unless it was loaded with carrot baby food, she despised the taste of the food that much, but I at least made them messy to force them to have to clean the food off themselves, and thereby get something into them. I left broccoli and craisins in both of their pens when I left.

I got carrot baby food on the way home when I went to Wegmans. I called my father on the way home.

I think I'm not calling my father much anymore.

I started out trying to explain the depression that hit with the miscarriage... He immediately tried to change the subject, as he seems to have done every time the miscarriage has been brought up. When I tried to talk about the depression (losing two people on top of the miscarriage and then being sick enough to have seen the doctor ten times already), he said get used to it, it happens throughout life. Gee thanks, what a pick me up. By the time I got to talking about the bunnies and how I think I might have killed them, he was somewhat stoic. I was getting upset, and the only thing he really said in response was along the lines of "I hope you don't intend to get any more bunnies after these two die." WTF? I cried back at him, asking him why he thought that it was really the time to be saying something like that, and he backed off a touch, saying it was inappropriate. But he offered nothing even vaguely like the shoulder I am used to getting from my father.

Until the miscarriage I could talk to him about anything and everything, and almost always get a shoulder from him. Now it feels like every time I talk to him I just feel worse. It's like now that I need him the most, he's abandoned me.

What made it worse was coming home to an empty house. I know it's not Joe's fault, I told him to go to practice without me. But when I tried to feed Sarah, she wouldn't take it. Flat out refused it (and I'm wondering at this point if it was because it was cold). I made a mess out of her with it. I picked her up and carried her around and finally called Joe because I was so upset. Five minutes after calling him, she at least took in *some* of it, so I'm thinking it may have been the cold that did it. Tonight I take the stuff out of the fridge a half an hour before I need it, or possibly soak the bag in warm water, maybe that'll make a difference for her. She at least ate the medication, which was a plus. Switched over to Beemer, and at least noticed he'd eaten the broccoli that I'd put in his cage in the morning, but he too really did NOT want to eat until I put more water into it and lifted his head up more. Joe tried to come home as soon as he could, and even offered to let me call him back after I ate (I hadn't eaten and it was already after 10).

This morning both of them were a little better on eating, although still were not happy with being force fed.

I just feel like such a terrible person. I've neglected them while wallowing in my own self-pity, and in the process almost killed them. And this hasn't been the first time I've let them go a week before feeding them, they haven't gotten much attention from me at all in a while. I've just been so... listless.

I know that it won't all be "all right" once I get pregnant again... Because I will unfortunately forever live with the knowledge that I had a daughter who didn't survive. That will never go away. But time and hormones will at least soften the edge. I can still feel it a little bit in my hip and my finger from the pregnancy itself, and it's been over two months since she passed. The hormones are still there, and with it the depression that goes with it.

I need to still make an appointment to see a psychiatrist somewhere in here. Somehow I just haven't really gotten myself to do it. For that matter, I don't even know where I put the piece of paper that had the doctors names on it.

I just feel like I've not only failed at being a mother in the physical respect, but the care respect as well. If I can't care for my rabbits the way I used to, how will I care for a child? And how much worse will it be if they die?

*sigh*