Mixed messages today...

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.
~From the movie Annie

A part of me has been really upset lately.

So my neighbor across the street now has an “It’s a Girl” balloon stuck to her mailbox.

A friend of mine gave birth a few weeks ago. Another friend of mine has three month old twins. Another has a nine month old. Another has a four month old. Another has a six month old. Another with a two month old. Another has a three day old.

Another friend of mine is imminent. Less than 12 days from due date. Another is due any day now, over her due date.

Another friend is now at 12 weeks and I need to hide her from my view right now, because she’s been posting weekly updates according to babyzone (what your child should be measuring this week) on her livejournal. Two other people just announced, one of them already at 14 weeks.

Three other friends have wives who are expectant.

Two of the guys in my department now have four month olds. One guy in the department next to mine has a six month old.

My brother now has a five month old. My parents and grandmother cannot stop talking about her. My father is actually one of the only family members who knows what happened, and he keeps forgetting and then telling me about all the other babies that have come into their lives. And the annual christmas newsletter from my parents called my niece “the crowning achievement of their year”.

The building I work in has an infant day care center.

And the icing on the cake , one of my college buddies gave birth on the day I miscarried.

I’m wondering what I did to keep getting slapped in the face. Especially when I think I’m doing okay… And someone else either gives birth, announces they’re pregnant, tells me about someone else who’s pregnant, asks me when I’m going to have kids (few people IRL know about either the pregnancy or the m/c), tells me how I should get moving before I get too old, and numerous other wonderful reminders that not only am I not pregnant, but that I lost the one I had.

So yes, I've been somewhat depressed over all of this lately.

It doesn't help that I've been sick for the last three months. I finally got off amoxicillin and had to go on miconizole. Sinus infections, yeast infections, go fig.

However, this morning, I suddenly started thinking I should test.

I see a second line. It's faint, but it's there.

I showed Joe. At first he didn't get the significance that *any* line is a line. Once I explained, his reaction? "Oh!" :)

I still will not be forgetting about the existence of my daughter. She is still a part of me, much as she really wasn't a part anyone else could really see. But she was my first.

And this one is hope.