Well that was short lived.

Thought yesterday was starting to round the bend a bit.

Nevermind.

I need to focus. I can't. It's killing my productivity at work (which is currently almost less than nil), I have been feeling like I have been doing nothing but spinning my wheels, I can't even get myself to spin or knit. Heck, I haven't played Bejeweled in three weeks.

I need to talk to someone.

Holly came over last night. I needed that. I haven't had a good long talk with anyone yet except Joe. I swear the entire conversation was ADHD on acid, I couldn't finish even talking about certain topics when I would bounce to others. And I can't stop crying.

I tried calling my neurologist, and he's not available until December 15. I don't know if I can wait that long, I may call back and try and see if they can't get me in sooner, or with another neuro, or something. EDIT: I called back and cried at the woman on the phone. She managed to find a cancellation on December 9 at 3pm. Still not "soon", but sooner at least.

I think I'm waiting until tonight to call EAP. I need to talk to someone, but I don't feel like I can do it in the office. While I have been having some short bounces with hope and encouragement, it seems like every time I get it back it just bounces back worse. I have no focus at all at work, and I'm afraid that if I keep going like this I'm going to wind up getting canned for lack of productivity. Nobody in this office knows I was even pregnant, let alone lost the pregnancy, my boss is NOT someone who I can speak with about this, I'm not sure if I can trust my HR rep, and I'm slowly losing people I can talk to in the office (one of my favorite co-workers just left today, and in a hurry, too. I don't have any contact info for him. This is right after losing another coworker just a few weeks ago, although that one I at least still have contact info for).

It's like I can't do anything all day long but sit on the pregnancy loss groups, waiting to see if anyone else is out there. Any time I try to focus on something else, I can handle it for about ten minutes, and then I feel like I have to go back and find someone.

I may need to see my regular doctor (if there is such a thing right now) and see if I can't get a referral to a therapist, a psychiatrist, something. And try and make sure it's something that will be pregnancy-safe, since I really don't want to stop at this point. I'm too old to postpone for yet another year, I've done it too many times already. I can't keep doing this. And right now, if I had to choose between trying to have another child and my job, I'm reaaaaaaally leaning towards the first, which has never been even a question before.

Holly even recommended taking a week off of work right now. Just something to try and get my system back in gear, because right now I'm not getting anything done.

I just want my brain to go back to normal, even normal for me (which is still scattered). Something. I cannot afford to watch my job go kaput until my system re-focuses itself. I just want my brain to stop going off the deep end. I just want to stop crying when I look at a sock or a book or a box or a piece of paper. I want the whole damned world to just go away for a while.

Just let my brain shut off and let me sleep for a week. Please.